Taken from emails, therefore unoriginal. Still amusing though.Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in
eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in
France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't
sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its
paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are
square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers
don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth,
why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one
moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you
can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and
ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian
eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all
the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the
verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and
play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses
that run and feet that smell?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man
and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique
lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns
down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an
alarm goes off by going on.
English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the
creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at
all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when
the lights are out, they are invisible.
PS. - Why doesn't "Buick" rhyme with "quick?"
You lovers of the English language might enjoy this.
There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any
other two-letter word, and that is "UP."
It's easy to understand UP , meaning toward the sky or at the top of
the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP? At a
meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP and why are
the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to
write UP a report?
We call UP our friends. And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish
UP the silver, we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We
lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car. At other times
the little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble,
line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses. To
be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special.
And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is
stopped UP. We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at
night.
We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP! To be knowledgeable about
the proper uses of UP, look the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-
sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add
UP to about thirty definitions. If you are UP to it, you might try
building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a
lot of your time, but if you don't give UP , you may wind UP with a
hundred or more. When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding
UP. When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP.
When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP.
When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP.
*DRUMROLL* Ready for another kind of brainbleed?
Read on.
From future scientists?
Q: Name the four seasons?
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe
to drink?
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large
pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.
Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All
water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on
the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in
this fight.
Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get
intercontinental.
Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his
adultery.
Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes?
A: Premature death.
Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (e.g.,
abdomen.)
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the
Borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the
borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity
contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O, and U.
Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.
Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.
Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section?"
A: The Caesarean Section is a district in Rome .
Q: What does the word "benign" mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
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bored
blah
mellow
stressed
determined
bouncy